SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The other day, my wife and I had a joint therapy session where we talked about her "why's" for having an affair. She was not able to come out and just explain, so I started asking questions like "why did you choose to flirt with him in the first place", and "why was it okay to cross my boundaries", and similar questions. I was impressed at her ability to answer my questions without breaking down, or blaming me. That shows real progress. Also I don't know if this is real progress or her strong people pleasing in action, but she is much calmer and more reserved in joint therapy. When it's just she and I she is much more volatile.

Her reasons listed are:

- She didn't have healthy boundaries
- She is avoidant by nature and when she is not sure she keeps quiet. After a while it builds up and comes out sideways.
- She has a hard time saying "no", and has strong people pleasing tendencies.
- She felt a distance or disconnect between us, and was faced with the choice to tell me or keep it inside. She chose to keep it inside, which eventually caused more problems.
- Flirting, and later sex with her AP was like a drug, and made her feel better.
- Once she took steps into infidelity she didn't know how to go back, or how get out of it.
- She didn't know what this would to to our relationship so she kept it hidden as long as she could.

I asked her what she is doing to prevent this in the future. She said:

- She is trying to be a better communicator
- She is going to therapy, and doing these joint sessions with me
- She is distancing herself from anyone she feels drawn to
- She is seeking god
- She is being open and honest about things.

I was really glad to finally hear her explain these things WITHOUT blaming me. Thats a new phenomenon in the last month or two. However I confess that something feels missing. Those why's seem like just scratching the surface, and there is a lot more digging to do. Those why's seem like textbook why's that anyone who has done even a little bit of research into infidelity could list. I'm concerned that she is going to be like "okay we talked about my why's, and now lets talk about the relationship before I cheated".

I've spent the last two years being angrily blamed, and accused of things by her nearly every time we had a talk or fight. The first year she DARVOed and resisted me at every turn. It feels like she and our therapist want to move on without me feeling like this stuff is fully resolved. I know if I say something like "that doesn't feel like enough", or "we need to continue talking about the affair and it's why's", she is going to be like "I've done what you asked!", or "I feel like I can't win!", or something similar.

Honestly I feel like I can't win. She has been making positive progress for sure, but it's agonizingly slow, and painful (for me) progress.

I feel like how she acted after the affair did as much or even more damage than the affair itself, and now that damage needs to be dealt with as well.

I honestly don't know what to think about this situation. On the one hand I should be grateful she is making progress, and focus on that. Be more positive myself. On the other I'm worried about letting this slip under the rug, and being one of those people who ten years later return to this site complaining about unresolved issues.

Help me get some perspective. Sometimes I get stuck in my thinking.

It's great to read about this progress, even if it feels like it's been slow. Hopefully the progress continues and the pace picks up, little by little.

You mention feeling like these why's are just scratching the surface. I think you're on to something. In my work, we used a technique called "the five why's." In solving a business problem, the idea was to ask "why" five times to get to the root issue. So in your wife's case, one of her first why's is that she keeps quiet. That's a start, and how would she answer the second why: why do you think you keep quiet? And let's say her answer to that question is something like "because I assume people don't value what I have to say." The third why might be: why do you think you assume this? etc.

I think getting to a true "why" requires deep examination of one's self, which naturally is a process that takes time. Most people can't come up with meaningful insights about themselves quickly. It's a process of discovery that unfolds.

Maybe this gives you something to ponder, but then again, I'm one of those SIers who rugswept and ended up back on this site years later with DD#2. So take my comments for what that's worth! (-:

She is avoidant by nature

Brother, if I had a nickle for every post about someone, wayward or betrayed, having a tendency to avoid conflict, I could comfortably retire.

It makes me wonder what would happen if we started a dedicated thread in the "I can relate" forum "For those who tend to avoid conflict." Would anyone actually post?

People who tend to avoid conflict first and foremost avoid the conflicts within themselves.

Here's where it gets tricky.

In order to unravel whatever issues she wants to resolve, your wife has to take this journey without you. The only reason she will do this is because she wants to it for herself. Not you. Not your marriage or family. Just her.

(and therapy)

Two things, I think, are true about personal growth and change. First, it's a long, slow process. This isn’t going to happen overnight. It takes time. Years, even.

Second, it's a subtle progression, a constant "work-in-progress." It's never holistic. If she's authentically willing and able to own and fix her shit, it begins with recognizing her own issues and how they effect her ability to navigate through life.

The same issues that lead her down Infidelity Lane are the very same issues that caused, for her part, conflicts in your marriage. They're the same issues that have been tripping her up for most of her life.

I honestly believe you’re going to have to step back a little and give her the agency and space she needs to take a very personal journey.

The "whys" are usually something a BS wants to understand. And reasonably so. Unfortunately, no "whys" will ever be good enough nor ever justify infidelity.

The question that I wanted answered (a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away) was "why not."

I thought that question was much more relevant. I'd never accept her "whys" as satisfactory. However, I could (and did) accept her "why nots" to taking another stroll down that road.
I understand what you're going through. I understand the fear and doubt, that "something feels missing." And that's probably answers to "why" that will never satisfy you.

I feel like how she acted after the affair did as much or even more damage than the affair itself, and now that damage needs to be dealt with as well.

I’m sorry you were hit with this trauma in your marriage. I always say it’s not the affair but the behavior of the cheater after Dday that destroys the marriage.

While it is great that you can have civil conversations w/ a 3rd party present, it doesn’t help you when it’s just you and your formerly cheating spouse.

And the cheater’s reactions really provide insight into their mindset.

Honestly if my H ever said during the first 5 years of R "we’ve been over this before - how much more do I have to do or say before it stops" I probably would have thrown in the towel.

I’m sorry to say but that just proves the cheater has NO IDEA the trauma the affair brought to the betrayed. It’s like saying "how much longer do I have to watch you get chemo for your cancer?" It’s selfish and self serving and IMO the cheater should be willing to answer ?s or discuss the affair as long as necessary until The betrayed has some level of satisfaction and comfort w/ the answers provided.

Do you think we, as betrayeds want to go through this? Hell no! But thanks to selfish decisions and lying, we have no choice. Sadly the cheater’s HAD A CHOICE but made the wrong decision.

I was very stuck at year 3 of R. My H was doing everything possible but I just was sad and off-balance most of the time.

Until I decided that I needed to heal myself. Without his help or encouragement or anything. I had to do it on my own. A Will Smith podcast opened my eyes to healing yourself.

His message was something like this. You are in a car accident that was caused by the other driver. You suffer a broken leg. The other driver was the cause of your broken leg, but they cannot do anything to help you heal. (sort of how the trauma of cheating is thrust upon you) you go to the doctor and then to physical therapy to help heal.

However, if you don’t do the physical therapy work, you’re not going to heal 100% and that rest solely on you. No one else can do that for you.

It is very difficult to understand a betrayal such as infidelity. I think for the most part you can get satisfactory answers, but you can also drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of it all.

I found that once I accepted the "reasons" from my husband as to why he chose to cheat, then I was able to put it behind me and stop trying to make sense of it all

I hope this helps you turn the corner and focus on your own healing and your own future to ensure that you will be happy in the future. Because if you are not happy, it’s going to be a long painful journey to stay married to someone who has put you through a trauma like this.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:06 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

I really appreciate all the positive energy in the responses. I really need that right now.

Arnold01
Instead of rug sweeping, what would you have done differently to verify your wife was actually changing? What would have convinced you she wasn't going to cheat on you again?

Unhinged

It makes me wonder what would happen if we started a dedicated thread in the "I can relate" forum "For those who tend to avoid conflict." Would anyone actually post?

Thats funny.

The same issues that lead her down Infidelity Lane are the very same issues that caused, for her part, conflicts in your marriage. They're the same issues that have been tripping her up for most of her life.

I honestly believe you’re going to have to step back a little and give her the agency and space she needs to take a very personal journey.

Intellectually I understand this to be true. Intellectually I understand that much of what I've seen her do has been a self defense mechanism against the shame and guilt she feels for betraying me, and herself, to that level. I agree that the same things that caused her to cheat likely contributed to any issues we had in the relationship. I understand that this is a process that she has to go through on her own and that she has to want to do it. But on my end I need to know that she is really genuinely fixing the issues that caused her to cheat, or else why am I trying to reconcile at all? Why would I stay with someone who I don't feel is safe?

I agree that I need to let her do this, and thats a really good callout. The bigger question is, how do I step back while also avoiding rug sweeping?

The1stWife
Thats a good analogy. Except in the case of reconciliation after infidelity, they caused an accident that breaks your leg, and then you have to let them drive you everywhere because your leg is broken. Oh and it wasn't an accident. They did it on purpose because they enjoyed it.

Great question. What would I have done differently? If I were doing it over again, how would I have given WH space to do his own work without also rug-sweeping?

Thinking about my own experience in hindsight, I think reconciliation requires both your compassion for her process and clear evidence that she is taking responsibility. The key is not to "step back" in a way that minimizes the betrayal, but to create a structure where she has space to do the work while you keep firm boundaries and watch for consistent accountability.

Her healing is her job, but rebuilding trust is your joint job. You can give her room to work on herself without pretending the affair is a closed chapter. (and maybe your MC needs to hear that message, too). This keeps the focus on repair, not punishment (of her), and it avoids the trap of making your comfort the only standard (which is what would cause her to say "I can't win").

Stepping back:

Stepping back can mean reducing control, not reducing standards. Give her space for reflection while still expecting high standards for honesty, consistency, and follow-through. You can't manage her personal growth, but you can observe whether she is genuinely engaged in it. While this is a judgment call, does she seem to be doing the uncomfortable work on herself or just saying the right things to stabilize the relationship? You'll likely get a better feel for this over time. My biggest mistake - and what I'd do differently now - was confusing control and standards. I let both go down and ended up complicit in rug-sweeping for 12 years.

You also can ask for specific evidence of change. For example, is she in IC and going consistently? Is she able to name her triggers and defenses honestly? Is she consistent over time in showing you green flags like taking full responsibility, tolerating painful conversations without defensiveness. And do you see fewer red flags over time, such as blame-shifting, rushing you to forgive, or using her shame as a substitute for repair?

Rug sweeping:

I see rug sweeping as trying to move on without naming the harm, understanding the patterns, or making concrete change. A way to avoid the rug-sweeping trap can be to say "I'm willing to give you space to do your work, but I'm not willing to pretend the affair didn't happen. I need to see active repair, honesty, and consistent change if we're going to reconcile." Sounds like you've already said this, but I mention it because I didn't do this in my R, and that was a huge mistake. You also could say "I respect that you have a need to sort out your own patterns, and I need a relationship that feels safe. If I don't see accountability and sustained change, I can't keep investing in R." That frames your safety as a legitimate requirement, not a threat.

I would not look for perfection but for trajectory. If she's moving toward honesty, accountability, and deeper self-awareness, R has a foundation. If you observe her mostly trying to escape guilt or discomfort, then you're attempting to rebuild on sand. And all of this takes time, so you might also think about how much time you're willing to give before you seriously assess trajectory. It's not reasonable or fair to either one of you to be measuring constantly. But would you give it a month before you take a step back and assess? Three months? Six months? You might reduce the angst you're feeling by giving yourself permission to let the process roll for a bit - whatever timeline you feel is acceptable - before you judge her progress and your feelings.

Hopefully there is a nugget or two in here that is helpful to you.

I need to know that she is really genuinely fixing the issues that caused her to cheat,

Of course you do. It's a critical part of reconciliation. There's nothing you can do or say, however, to encourage or coerce her into such a journey. And you cannot interfere. All you can do is watch and observe. Hopefully, if she's truly all-in for R, she'll share some of that journey with you. That's how the process works.

And it takes time.

...how do I step back while also avoiding rug sweeping?

It's not your rug; it's hers. We all have our own rugs. We get married and now we each have our own personal rugs and half of our marital rug. (Throw kids into the mix and the house gets covered in all sorts of rugs, which may be why God invented carpet, who know?)

You're not allowing her, or yourself, to rug-sweep. Think of it as allowing her to sweep it privately while giving you the highlights of what she finds.

ETA: read Arnold01's post a few more times.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:51 AM, Sunday, April 19th]