SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I see it as an improvement any time I disassociate with morally repugnant people.

That's not much of an answer. It belies your resentment. That! I understand. Been there and done that with my own father.

You have an opportunity that I no longer have. I want one more conversation.

Your father is well aware of your resentment for failing to live up to your expectations. I'd imagine (because I don't know him) that it's been on his mind for years.

He hasn't given up.

It took courage to reach out to you the way he did. (I'd also imagine that your mother was involved with the ambush). I'd also imagine that the money is simply there to... break the ice, to give you a little cause to consider it.

And you have considered it. And you're also, I suspect, considering him, too.

My ex often told me she didn't understand how I could cut people out of my life as easily as i could. I always believed in protecting myself. Nothing intrinsically wrong with that until you take it too far. There's a fine line between self-preservation and self-sacrifice. Because when we cut people out of our lives we cut a little life out of ourselves.

It costs us, too.

For you, it's about the ethics of accepting his overture. For him, it's about you.

If you accept this overture with the condition that you give him the opportunity to say he wants, and you later decide you'd rather keep your distance, then so be it - you've lost nothing but a bit of your time. On the other hand...

What else can I say?

This is an opportunity to heal a little. Hopefully. It's a chance to take "the road less traveled by" sort of thing.

Step outside of your comfort zone and you might be surprised by people, life, and yourself.

I want to be incredibly clear: I have no will or desire to reconcile, make up with him, or have him in my life again. That was never up for debate. My mind is made up, and I can assure you I have no doubts, worries, or concerns about that decision.

I am genuinely happy not to have him in my life. To be blunt, I don’t think he is a good person. Even in a casual "friend" sense, we have nothing in common; he’s a bore. He once mentioned wanting to work into his 70s—not because he needs the money, but because he has no hobbies, friends or interests. He offers me nothing of value. I like that his pitiful life is the consequences of his own actions. As someone who wishes karma existed, this is as close to it as it gets.

The question for me isn't about "healing" or "roads less travelled"—it’s about the ethics of the transaction. One day he will die, and I certainly won’t be turning down whatever inheritance comes my way. On a purely functional level, what difference does it make if I take the money now? My partner gets a slightly more lavish day, and I perhaps I won't feel I've compromised my boundaries.

You mentioned "cutting life out of yourself," but in this case, removing him was an act of clearing out clutter. There is no "ice to break" because I’m not interested in what’s under the ice. This isn't about self-sacrifice or a lack of courage; it’s a calculated decision based on who he is and what he doesn't bring to the table. I haven’t decided if I’ll take the money yet, but if I do, it will be an internal moral decision, not a relational one. I’m not stepping out of a comfort zone—I’m simply deciding whether to accept a payment.

Part of me feels like I should take the money because he is my father and I am due some form of reparations for his past behavior. The other part of me feels like I should refuse it on principle because he shouldn't be allowed to buy his way into being any part of my life or my wedding.

Boy does this post resonate for me!

My male parental unit cheated on my mother (I really have a hard time calling him my father, sometimes I call him my sire). One of my earliest memories is sitting/waiting in a car in a parking lot at an apartment building while he "visited" one of his girlfriends. Don't tell your mom. Ick.

My parents divorced when I was 7 or so. I literally knew no one else that had divorced parents for quite a few years. He couldn't be bothered to pay alimony or child support or hold down a job or keep a place to live or show up for his visitation. He made a lot of promises he never kept. My mom finally stopped getting my brother and I dressed and ready to go somewhere he promised to take us because she was so sick of seeing us hurt and disappointed.

He would periodically pop back into our lives, and try to play the role of our father. I was skeptical, and I hated to see my brother hurt every time he popped back out of our lives. One time he took my brother with him to another province to visit his family, got drunk, wrecked his vehicle and didn't bring my brother back. We had to scrape up the funds to fly my little brother home - he was about 12 at the time. He popped back into our lives and our home when I was about 16 or so. My mother, ever the optimist, let him move in. Suddenly I had this stranger trying to tell me when to be home from a date, etc. Didn't go well, and I pretty much made up my mind to cut contact at that time. Just iced him out. I didn't need that kind of toxicity in my life, who does? As things go, he popped back out again fairly quickly as he always did. When I was getting married, my mom was going to cash out an insurance policy to help pay for my wedding and it turned out that he had stolen it at some point! I'm not ashamed to say that I rifled through my mother's stuff to find contact info for him, and gladly made a call to the police.

Here we are 46 years later, my sire died a couple of years ago. It's really a wonder we even know about it. I really don't regret my actions. His obituary didn't even include his children (there was another after my brother and I with his AP who he did marry and divorce.)

Anyway, I always felt that he owed us monetarily since he never paid support. If it had suddenly been bestowed upon us somehow, I would be in the same dilemma as you. I would want it because it's owed and not want it because really, what good is it now? I don't need it, and I sense that you don't either. You and your gf will still have the nicest day you can have, regardless. I've always said that getting married is about the marriage, not the wedding.

I had another situation in my life that reminds me of this dilemma a bit. I walked in on a home robbery many years ago. Long story short, it was a couple in my house. The male was out on parole and got sent back to prison, his girlfriend/accomplice was sentenced, in part, to make restitution to us for the window they broke to get in. I received $200 from her. And I HATED it! I felt like accepting it, even though it was to replace a window, was like taking blood money and accepting it was like telling her she was forgiven and everything was ok. Everything was not ok. It was a very traumatizing time in my life, it took me quite a while to get past it. And I took that $200 and donated it to charity. When I had it in my hands, I didn't want anything to do with it. She may never know I never took it, and I don't care. I only care about how it made me feel. And it made me feel good to refuse it.