SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I have been married for 33 years. I have a healthy sex life with my wife. This is my story. It began in the fall of 1989. I met my then to be wife my Junior year of college. My previous girlfriend was a cheater. Cheated on me all the time without me knowing about it, until I found out. I broke up with her the night I met my future wife, however, jealous tendencies had been established in my background, along with trust issues. I had only been with one other girl (in high school - a one night thing -peer pressure, which Im not proud of). So that's my background. When I met my future wife, she was charming and cute. She was an incoming freshman as it was August. We became friends and a few weeks later I would ask her out. A few weeks after that, we would sleep together. She was a virgin, or at least I think she was. She told me she was. We discussed our sexual/high school/college pasts together, as we had no secrets. I told her mine. She told me she had 1)Never had a boyfriend. 2)Only been with one guy in high school and she had given him a blowjob on several occasions. 3)She went to prom with a different guy, but no interest, and nothing happened. 4)She did tell me about a guy she was in "Love" with but he had always liked her friend, but she had never dated, kissed, etc. That was it! She was a keeper! By October we were exclusive. She liked to journal and she calendared as well. In January of 1991, she made an entry in her journal that we will come back to later. Tw0 years of us dating passed and I joined the Air Force after I graduated from college and I left for two years. We dated long distance while she finished college. We became engaged after 1 year apart. The day before our wedding, I flew to her house in Atlanta. That night she had a bachelorette party. I stayed in her room at her parent's house. While there, I found some old journals from High School and being bored, I read them. I discovered two things: 1)She got fingered by a guy in her Math class who drove her home one night. 2)She went on a student congress trip to LA and met some guy there. They went to her hotel room, got naked, tried to have sex, but failed, and then took a shower together. Both of these I never shared that I knew. I figured, I should just lock it away, which is exactly what I did.
Fast forward to 2009. Facebook has been out for about a year. I catch my wife being secretive. I ask what she is doing. She lies. Then I bust her for searching for the guy from high school she gave a blowjob to. We have a huge fight over this because she is going to her 20 year high school reunion.
Fast forward to 2025. We were on a trip with some friends to Florida. While in the pool, Im standing next to my wife and her friend says, "Ive seen so many dicks in my life!! What about you Jane?" My wife replies, "Im seen several myself! I once followed this guy to work at McDonalds and he showed me his dick by the fry machine!" Well you can imagine my mind racing at this moment. It was flooded with emotion. When we got back to our room, I was livid. A huge fight ensued on why she lied about her past. Nothing was cleared up. In December, we were at a restaurant, and I had just paid our bill, and as Im leaving I see my wife hugging a former co-worker. The hug seemed extra long to me. I heard her say, "Just let me know. Ill follow you anywhere and will leave any time!" She had just told me she loved her job and would never leave. My mind was racing again. No fights about this though. I stored it up.
Fast forward to February 2026. Im cleaning our attic and I discover a journal and a couple of calendars. The Calendar lists our all the dates she had went on her Senior year of High School. The discrepancy was in the fact that she told me about her Prom date -remember no interest and nothing happened - well she went on several dates with him before and after prom. She also went on alot of other dates with alot of other guys, which she is allowed to do. She just never mentioned any of these guys. In the journal I found, it was from 1991. It was mostly about me, but one input made me raise my eyebrows - "Im so mad my friends found out about me and JS having sex. My initials are JT and she mentions me by name in the journal never by initials.
So, I confront her about the journal. She denies it. She says it was bad handwriting and it was me. By the way, I validated in the journal other writing she did of the "S" and proved to her she was lying about it not being what she said, but she still sticks with her story. I mention the Hug from December and how that made me feel. I mention the McDonalds story and she changes the rhetoric and says she lied to impress her friends. She said that story did not happen. But it was another place she worked. And she got naked, but the guy didnt and nothing happened. I asked "Was there anybody else?" she said "NO", and thats when I brought up her journals from our wedding night. She lied straight to my face. Then she caved. She said she didnt want me to not choose her as to why she didnt share.
I mention the prom date. She says she touched his penis through his pants, but that was it. Now Im not believing anything at this point!
The next day, I find another calendar where she clearly had two boyfriends in high school because she labeled them "started going together" and "broke up". I called her out on these too because she told me she had never had a boyfriend. Then I started digging...
September 29, 2008 -Wife friends me on Facebook
August 2, 2008 - Wife friends Prom Date on Facebook
2009 - Sends Bday wishes and reminds prom date of their time in HS.
2009 - Sees him at HS Reunion
2020 - Messenger - He sees her on a vacation in Florida. They just chat.
Wife does not share any of this with me.

What she does share with me is this. During this time 2008, she wishes I was dead. I had gotten laid off from my job.

When I bring this up, she says she just wanted to be friends with all her high school people. I said thats great, but maybe if you had sexual context with them it isnt appropriate! I would never do that to you. She feels Im stupid.
We continue this fight...
in March she goes in and Unfriends her old boyfriends from High School, her Prom date, and the Guy she was in "Love" with.

She swears she has never once cheated on me.

Thats where Im at. Prior to this, I had not known my wife to have ever lied to me. For me, If I never found out any of this information, she would have never told me. This is the part that eats me up inside and has ever since our trip in 2025. Her truth came from being caught. She wrote me a note and regurgitated the stuff I knew, but nothing I didnt know. To me it makes everything contaminated, even though it was so long ago, and we have beautiful memories after and even now. For me, betrayal hurts and deception reshapes my reality. This is the part that is going to be difficult for me moving forward!

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:10 AM, Monday, April 13th]

[This message edited by UpsetHusband at 2:35 PM, Monday, April 13th]

If you ever were the first to a virgin you would notice, believe it, no doubts, no I think.

Trickle truths is what you are facing now, basically your wife was always lying and betrayed you in several different places along your story, while giving you just enough truth as she gauged you could take, without rejecting her or losing the idealized imagine of her that she loved to see reflected back in your eyes.

Do you see anything about You up to here?

Or you feel like it was deception, exploitative, transactional.

You feel like the fallback guy, and you’re probably right, because she kept secrets from you instead of putting you first, and held you as a comfort while she kept searching for excitement, fantasy and validation outside the couple.

Hey don’t take it too harsh because it is exactly what I went through as well, and while I laid it out brutally with no sugar coating I can promise you that you will get out of this. Today from my end, I don’t give a fuck while she still carries the weight of her choices.

First thing first:

There is nothing wrong with you, all the blame and accountability lay solely on her.

(Caveat, I don’t understand if that one nighter you mentioned was you cheating, if that’s the case then you share your wife’s issues and it’s a different can of worms)

You couldn’t have prevented it, you were never given the choice

She is not right now reconciliation material, she feels shame, not guilt and she is protecting the most intimate secrets she had with other men, while cheating on you.

The question is if you tolerate this to go on one second longer.

The pain you feel already answered.

You know what has to be done to heal.

Don’t even think about reconciliation right now, read the 180, take all measures to protect yourself, and dra your new path forward.

She will notice.

And about what come next, it will not be about her words, trickle truths or empty promises. It’s about patterns and behaviors that will give you a clue what to do with allowing her existence in your life or not.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 2:35 PM, Friday, April 10th]

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[This message edited by UpsetHusband at 2:34 PM, Monday, April 13th]

Ok so the rest is still valid.

Your wife is as much a cheater if not more than your ex.

You must put your life and your healing first now. Do the hard 180 and make preparations to move on like you mean it, not as a show.

I can recommend individual counseling for you, often we are attracted and attract the very same people who will hurt us, you need to understand if you have these unresolved issues, I had and I should have addressed them back then instead of getting devoured by them by rug sweeping .

I'm sorry, if I didn't understand your post fully. Do you have any evidence of actual cheating? If not, drop it. What your wife did, the dishonesty, seeking out old flames, wishing you death etc. is pretty bad by itself, but I strongly advise against judgements without evidence.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 7:39 PM, Friday, April 10th]

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[This message edited by UpsetHusband at 2:34 PM, Monday, April 13th]

She’s definitely shady that’s for sure.

Not sure what you do with this information—especially years later.

For now she needs to be doing things to make you safe and secure.

The feeling that there's more that she is withholding will gnaw at you forever. Saying I wish you were dead because you lost your job? That is not the response from a good partner. That is the absolute worst thing one could hear from someone they're supposed to spend the rest of their life with

I can understand her not being honest about her sexual history because she's afraid you will look at her differently but the trickle truth will destroy the relationship.

Here's a suggestion. Tell her to write down a complete history from the time you started dating. Tell her to list every guy she has communicated with unbeknownst to you. Tell her to include every detail regardless of how small. When she is done ask her if this is everything and if she says yes then ask her if she is willing to take a polygraph test

If she was honest her response would be yes, no problem, but if her response is no or why or anything other than yes then you can assume she didn't tell you everything.

A relationship cannot survive when one suspects the other is withholding the truth.

She has done a lot of things to damage the relationship and she needs to do the work to repair it. Do not try and pull the effort out of her. If he doesn't want to put any effort into the relationship it will not work.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 10:41 AM, Saturday, April 11th]

You have a right to be upset about the lies friend. She has to build trust back. You two need to dig deep about honestly and transparency. Explain to her you love and cherish her so much, that those things are hurtful.

You may want to get book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and read together, as she seems she is starting to get itch for outside validation.

Depending on how suspect you are, you could ask for Polygraph on the question JS versus JT thing. That is very important and a very specific point that could either reveal her continued lying, or give you some peace.

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[This message edited by UpsetHusband at 2:34 PM, Monday, April 13th]

I have heard of something called "retroactive jealousy" which, if I understand it correctly, sounds a little like what you’re experiencing. I honestly don’t know much about it beyond the name and general description, but I’m throwing it out there for you to consider.

Its just so upsetting to me that she has/had to lie.

Read the article posted in general, keeping secrets. It will give you clarity.

Don’t do the pick me dance.
It doesn’t work, never.

Betrayal has consequences, wether is responding to being cheated by holding the cheater accountable, or rugsweeping and keeping the abuse going on, the relationship is broken the moment lies, adultery and betrayal replace connection, intimacy and honesty.

There’s no past for betrayal, unless it was resolved by acknowledging and changing deeply the flaws of the betrayer, the BS just can’t heal.

If you can’t heal with her I. Your life, you must abandon here.

Theirs is no escape from the trauma unless the person who choose poorly experiences real regret or the person who was hurt divorces / leave them.

You must respect yourself and put yourself at the center first. Nobody will if you allow them the level of disrespect she is showing you now.

I have heard of something called "retroactive jealousy" which, if I understand it correctly, sounds a little like what you’re experiencing.

Since when is ***CONTINUED*** lying merely "retroactive jealousy" ?

Her trying to make you feel bad about being hurt by her lies is a form of gaslighting. And leveraging "If I told me friends".....

It sounds like she is used to controlling you with any number of toxic tactics. I know it will be difficult, but this is an opportunity to do something new and teach her that you will no longer put up with it.

You need to establish you are holding your relationship to higher standards now, with the purpose of true and deeper intimacy. Not the surface crap she has given you.

You will need to make some notable boundaries and be resolute to keep them. She needs to see there is a new sheriff in town...the dignified and respectable YOU who is worthy of a honest and engaged wife who values and respects him (you).

Since when is ***CONTINUED*** lying merely "retroactive jealousy" ?

I brought up Retroactive Jealousy (not something I made up, it’s apparently a real thing - if you google it, there’s an article about it by the Cleveland Clinic, e.g.) because I was wondering if there is something going on here more than just the lies. I pinged my radar that UH is talking about her getting fingered in the mid-80s before they got together. And I remembered coming across this topic and threw it out there, in case it could be something for UpsetHusband to look into.

UpsetHusband, if I’m off base here, I apologize.

From what I’ve read here, it looks like to this point she’s copped to everything you’ve found out yourself. Is that right? You have every right to be upset about being lied to. And if you think she’s still lying, trust your gut and have her take a polygraph.

This is one of those posts where somebody brings a problem to a forum focused on hammering. No matter the issue, we see nails and the best solution is always to bang the nail hard enough…

Only I don’t see nails.

I find the "evidence" of cheating extremely thin. Like paper-thin, cellophane clarity thin…

Yes – there is evidence of not being honest. There is evidence of lying.
But there is also evidence of borderline paranoia (like the "too long" hug") and extremely confrontational and bad communications.

If you think your wife is a lying nymphomaniac… get it over with and divorce.
If not – then I suggest you two get professional help to improve communication and accept that you both have a past to determine if you have a future together.

I have reread the OP’s first post twice and it reads to me that the overwhelming majority happened before they were a couple-unless I have misunderstood?

I realize young(er) people often get into the body count conversation in a new relationship. I know I did and was honest. I found out years later in an innocent joking conversation my exh lied. Why, I have no clue? I laughed and just said he was a dummy for lying.

This was all years prior to dday.

My point being-I understand the annoyance with the lies-and her trying to stick to them. But the reaction to these lies seems excessive. Is the reason for the lies because she knew how the OP would react?

A previous gf cheated on him-understood.

He admits jealous tendencies-I wonder how that was expressed early in this relationship? Anger, name calling, shaming of a girl exploring her sexuality?

I see that OP attempted to delete all, I hope he returns to explore answers and engage.

Good luck.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 5:08 PM, Monday, April 13th]

Yes, there’s some questionable observations made by OP regarding "wishing you were dead" and contacting old boyfriends without OPs knowledge, etc…

But I wanted to address the "Retroactive Jealousy" which is a thing, a real thing that plagues many marriages. I would recommend to OP that he research this and educate himself to help put things in proper perspective. There’s lots of literature on the subject and forums for those experiencing it.

"A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets", but is there a Jack Dawson down there? Someone she secretly reminisces about? Probably. Unless she grew up in a convent or a very sheltered traditional conservative culture, she has probably had some life experiences that have added to the complex constitution of the woman you have fallen in love with.

Now, if you’re part of a culture-religion-ideology that is intolerant of premarital sexual relationships, that’s one thing. You would have a good case for deception if you were upfront with her about your expectations and she was dishonest.

You would also have a case if you had a certain standard on premarital sexual partners ("Body Count"), that you were upfront about during the courtship, and she deceived you there.

The question is, after 33 years, what do you want to do? Why do you keep probing? Why are you getting into her private journals? Why do you want this information? Do you trust her? Has trust become an issue? Is there something else going on, other than your discoveries of her past, that has brought trust into question?

Many men do consider past relationship history when vetting potential LTR partners, but you’re 33 years into, what appears to be, an otherwise good marriage, good sex life. Are you concerned that there’s someone out there with more karnal knowledge of your wife than you? Someone who she might reminisce about, even miss? Some Jack Dawson that rocked her world, who supplants you?

You will drive yourself insane trying to figure this out. Even if she was to be absolutely forthcoming and transparent with you, you probably wouldn’t believe her.

Make sure your desire for the truth is based on something more substantive, a valid concern for something threatening the marriage, and not based on insecurities about your ability to measure up to someone in her past. If she’s reaching out to that someone, that would be a valid concern, IMO.

Please pay attention to Bigger. There is one thing you can always count on…older teenagers/young adults can be unbelievably stupid. She was living in fantasy land in her head. You might have been in her life in some part but she was having a great old time flirting and being young. If some of this spilled over into your marriage it sounds like it was short lived. If you and she have gotten cross ways in communication take Bigger’s suggestion and get a therapist that understands and teaches skills in talking and listening.
Don’t blow up your marriage unless you find more. Take a deep breath, make a phone call and get that therapy scheduled.

I am not sure if this is about jealousy from the past here.

I understood the issue like this:

She had sex with a guy before him, she minimized and denied, thus lying about to him , whic is kind of forgivable when young and insecure, but when more mature and stable you can confess secrets that weren’t revealed during the dating / mating dance.

Problem is when years later she gets in touch with this guy again and shares both alone time and emotional energy. They were together already, this is cheating. Maybe no more intercourse but emotional intimacy is the same, a betrayal.

I have no sweats or unreasonable jealousy about my woman’s past men and sexual exploits (a tiny bit of jealousy is natural, but also healthy). I find it even "cute" hearing about her emotions and adventures. Caveat: this works for the guys she had BEFORE me, her affairs after are just the stuff that belongs in sewage.

Let’s see if I put my own past out how does it look.

We met few times old friends of mine while we were together, bumping into them. Introduce my girlfriend to them, they talk, to her to me, share the usual pleasantries, get the promise to "let’s do it again sometime " (addressing me).

Girlfriend agrees she updates me with her new phone number I say nothing, get it and we leave.

Then I delete it and she asks "why? They are so nice we can meet them "

Answer "because I fucked her" no other explanations needed even to some who will become my wayward partner. No complaints for cutting those girls out.

You can bump in an ex or someone who was your sexual partner at some point in time, it happens a lot and it is unavoidable, you are proper, polite and friendly. But that’s where the line must be dropped. It’s a boundary that has no if, when you are in a relationship with someone else.

I think if in this scenario I’d taken her number, messaged her, met her for "the good old times" even if "just to talk " we would all agree what that is: cheating, infidelity.

Is not unreasonable to set boundaries towards people you used to be intimate with if you are intimate with someone else right now. No need to be rude or antisocial towards them, but seeking them out is just wrong on all accounts.

I have quite a few ladies in my social circle that I have known in the biblical sense, while I don’t demand everyone to cut ties with them or I don’t pretend they do not exist, I only interact with them if it’s unavoidable and in the open. Never privately, never secretly.

If that sounds excessive I guess I just don’t care.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:49 AM, Tuesday, April 14th]