Hi out of the blue, welcome to the club no one wants in, sorry you have to be here, but you will get better and find yourself anew.
I am the guy who has the tendency to say it harsh, both for we Betrayed Partners and wayward partners, I warn you because it often sounds negative and it is fine if you take it that way, but if you can read it through though you may found some useful hint to rebuild your boundaries and make sure you get in the position to heal.
Told you that because you are likely in the phase where everything is spiraling down and all looks bleak, hence you may read things that are very uncomfortable right now. If they feel so, ignore them, the point of this all is to regain your center and agency, only you will know by following your feelings what is or isn’t helping you to achieve that. And there’s plenty of wonderful people who went through the very same hell that can give you some comfort and peace.
In short pick and choose, is not the time for breaking down, is the time to recover from relational shock.
So first thing first:
You don’t know why you are writing here.
Because you suffered from betrayal trauma, one of the nastiest trauma and ptsd there is. You feel alone. You feel hopeless. You feel abandoned. Unheard, unappreciated and non understood.
This is the consequence of the attachment wound "I am not chosen. I am not enough. I am replaceable "
Your nervous system is in shock an needs to realize 2 main things:
1 - this is not about you, but solely your husband. You are lovable, worthy and irreplaceable woman. No matter what flaws you have or think you have, this is absolutely true. Nothing on the betrayal was about you or your choices. You were never given the choice in the first place.
2- you need to be heard, your emotions must have an outlet because they are crushing you the more you try to control and contain.
This is why you are writing your story and thoughts here, this is why is the best decision you could have made in this moment.
You are safe here and people will hear you with no judgment but empathy.
You have been heard.
Now the unpleasant part, this is about the red flags 🚩 I see:
she found me on Instagram and told me. They slept together after bumping into each other on a work Xmas night out last year when he was staying in a hotel (party wasn't local to us) and then they texted for about 3 months. She said she was developing feelings for him so she ended it.
Bullshit. You do feel she is lying to don’t you?
The mere fact she is writing to you today about something in the past, apparently a purely sexual one night stand because " oh we bumped into each other’s and is so unexpected and powerful that our clothes just fall off… but we felt nothing at all!" Is la complete ack of respect for the intelligence of a grown up woman. You do know it doesn’t work like that.
You do know that she is emotionally involved today, or else she would not even remember who your husband is, instead of writing to you a year later about how she had to end it to prevent developing emotions.
She wants to hurt you in order to hurt your husband as retaliation for something he did to her. And she now is trying to regain her power over him or to get revenge. And they both have zero problem with you bleeding. This is called lack of empathy and self awareness, call it lack of respect for you, I call her story bullshit and call her a despicable worm.
This is surely not what lack of feelings looks like.
Admittedly our sex life had declined, not to zero but probably less than it should have been. But I was incredibly happy and I believed he was too.
Don’t bash yourself for that, sexual engagement is a gauge for the couple polarity not the cause of betrayal, rather often the consequence, surely the canary for unresolved issues and unspoken truths.
Don’t worry and don’t go there. Is blame shifting and avoid it at all costs now.
He is devastated by remorse and says that the affair was utterly unemotional. The texts were of a sexual/flirty nature but nothing more intimate. He can't figure out why he did it but maybe it was the thrill and flattery. At my request he's told me what happened in forensic detail - the hotel incident was awkward and not 'successful' for want of a better word. He has not offered excuses but I know he's had a hard few years with the loss of his father and taking retirement from a fulfilling job. I wonder if this was the result of some kind of midlife crisis - wanting some excitement. Still no excuse at all.
Trickle truths, aka bullshit. He is not remorseful or regrets it at all. He is feeling shame because he is being found out. Now he is gauging just how much truth he can give you to put his mind at ease while you bleed your heart out and spiral into hell.
Is a normal subconscious behavior almost every cheater has at the start. He is protecting his own ego and image , it’s validation for himself not empathy and guilt for you and what he’s done to you.
Right now he’s okay your reality is shattered to dust and that you are paying the price of it all, if that means he can get away with a slap on the wrist and still able to tell himself in the mirror "I am a good husband and a great man… but that girl sure had a piece of ass… couldn’t help it, nobody could. I am a good person. Next time I will be more careful". rough, but that’s likely.
He knows why he did it. He stores memories of the excitement he had, and the dopamine high from the very reason he was cheating made it unforgettable to his broken ego and his low self worth. He felt powerful, smart and he felt sure you could never find out. They all do. And they’re always shocked and "remorseful " (shame, rarely the wayward gives a fuck about you or how you feel on DDay) when unavoidably they get caught.
Likely right now he is "behaving " trying to guess what he should do to get you to believe he’s not as bad after all and let him off the hook. Then once you are "managed enough " he’ll likely reach out to her and confront why she did blow his secret with you, and they will make up wether to split or to get a better arrangement.
Because this is likely going on for a while, what she said now to you does not make sense, you should not exclude this, and to get the truth will be difficult, impossible until he changes from shame to truly remorseful. And it doesn’t look like it yet, you are facing a wall of lies, and I have the feeling that deep down you already sense it.
—-
Right now you want above all to reconcile and have this go away. I get that. Really do.
Is natural. But it doesn’t work like that.
You can’t reconcile now just yet, first of all because your husband is not reconciliation material just yet, but more importantly you must be healed and understand a difficult truth:
Your marriage and the relationship you had before he cheated is dead. He burned it to ashes. Past, present, future.
You can’t rebuild or fix anything after betrayal. What you can do, is build something new. From zero.
And that requires two fully healed partners, the betrayed spouse and the betrayer, both healed, more mature, and committed.
The BS heals the BS
The WS heals the WS
—-
Outoftheblue,
I know it is not what you want to hear right now. Like I said if it feels too much right now ignore it, maybe in time you’ll feel ready to rethink.
I guarantee you will find more uplifting thoughts from the other people here.
The only takeaway I care you get is this:
- put yourself first, your healing is the only one priority here. Your husband doesn’t matter until you feel again able to stand on your center.
- allow yourself to share. There is no good or wrong, the storm inside needs to be let out, even just for you sharing and writing it will give you emotions, often relief, but giving shape to feelings through your own words will help you to understand.
Good luck sister
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:38 AM, Tuesday, April 14th]
