SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

First time posting although I have been on this forum since February.

I will try to be brief. It’s a particularly tough day, and only because of me.

DDay was end of October 2025. I have been trickle truthing all the way, until last week when it was all out. It wasn’t fully intentional. I admitted some things straight away, and the whole thing on a general level. But I seriously struggled with details. Like number of meetings, I did a lot of "sanitising". If I had a chance at recovery, trickle truthing probably blew it.

I landed on this forum at the beginning of February and it’s when I started understanding the real impact of my actions, how affairs generate from characters’ flaws (often dormant, but yet still there), and slowly I started "reforming" myself.

It isn’t easy. It’s awful. Not as awful as what I am putting my BS through ( I know I am not the victim here).

Two days ago, my BS asked me if it was all out. Not just about last year, but throughout all our relationship. I obviously said yes, because what happened last year was all out, and I had never been unfaithful before.

But then, as I kept questioning myself, my behaviour, my copying mechanism, something from the past came to mind.

In the early days of our relationship (over 12 years ago) we briefly broke up. During that brief break, I slept with my ex once. And I made the decision to never disclose this. I even forgot about it, deeply buried somewhere in my mind.

But now it’s out. I told my BS.

The second most heartbreaking thing (after the pain I am causing) is realising how deeply I am flawed. Who even am I?

I always thought myself a good person, and with the exception of last year and 12yrs ago, I have never lied or done anything dodgy. But now I see a pattern, I see how under particular circumstances I choose lying.

I don’t even attempt to write how desperate I am about all of this. Not only because of this new disclosure itself, but because I thought I was done trickle truthing. I thought I was done saying "it’s all out", only to come out with something new after a few days.

Not sure what I expect from the comments. I just needed to share a bit of my story.

It's a positive sign that you're here. Truly. Wanting to be better is a tough choice to make...one that you will have to constantly choose again and again throughout the rest of your life. You devastated someone you reportedly love. And you repeatedly did it by trickle-truthing. It will be hard. And whether your marriage survives, you still owe it to yourself to be better than you were.
Have you offered up a timeline with all of he details you can remember? Your partner may or may not want that, but the act itself is a good first step in becoming safe. Just naming your offenses is a form of accountability, even if no one sees them.
With that, you may offer up being subjected to a polygraph test to validate that all of the facts are out there.
But, gently, I do say that your post still looks very self-centered. Self-flagellation aside, it's still largely about you and how you feel.
Remember that regret is inward-focused (how your infidelity affected you) and remorse is outward-focused (how your infidelity affects everyone else, top of which if your betrayed partner). Notice the difference in verb tense. The impact on the people in your life will last for a long time. Don't lose sight of that.
It may also be helpful to get more details on your A. Nothing salacious, just for context.
Keep coming and keep posting.