SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone

I am new here and wanted to introduce myself and share a brief summary of my situation.

I have been married for 28 years and with my husband for 29. We have two children and have built a full life together. Over the years we have supported each other through health issues, parenting and difficult family dynamics.

Recently I discovered that early in our marriage during these difficult times, before we had children, my husband was unfaithful multiple times. This included seeing sex workers on four occasions in this country, and two back to back brothel visits during a stag trip in Amsterdam. Six altogether.

He also had an inappropriate emotional involvement at that time with a married work colleague who was unhappy in her relationship and confided in my husband about her lack of intimacy at home. I had a strong suspicion about this at the time but was reassured it was platonic.

He even introduced me to her, and she was openly unpleasant towards me. At one point she lent him a copy of the movie "Eyes Wide Shut" and suggested he watch it with me, which in hindsight feels inappropriate given what was going on. We also met socially as couples, which now feels deeply uncomfortable.

I have since learned they kissed on two occasions and met for secret drinks repeatedly.

All of this was hidden from me for 24 years.

The discovery has been extremely difficult. I went through shock, anger, disgust and constant mental replay, which I know many of you will understand. I now feel I finally have the details I need for my own clarity and I am no longer asking questions about the past.

At the moment I am in an observation phase. He has expressed guilt and wants to move forward, and I have been clear that rebuilding requires trust, honesty, transparency and accountability. I am focusing on how he shows up now rather than continuing to dissect what has already happened, as I have already spent months dealing with nightmares and intrusive thoughts.

I am not in a place of making any final decisions yet. I am taking the next few weeks to observe behaviour, stay grounded and see whether this relationship aligns with my standards going forward.

I would appreciate hearing from others who are further along in this process, especially around rebuilding trust and managing the emotional waves.

Thank you

ButterflyInProgress

Hey butterfly , sorry you joined the club but welcome, you will leave it stronger even if now you can’t see it yet.

Know nothing of this is about you or your fault in any way, you weren’t ever even given a choice here.

Betrayal is one of the deepest traumas there is, right on the top echelon, so you be prepared for the ride on the roller coaster from hell. That too will pass.

Finding out decades after means absolutely nothing, the nerve system doesn’t comprehend time, it’s exactly like it happens now, so care for it, don’t allow the excuse of past to damage your chances of healing.

You need to process your emotions to begin putting order in the chaos, talking in such a space is helpful because above it all, you need to be heard, your nerve system desperately begs for it.

You have been heard.

You will meet a lot of empathy and insight here from BS like you and reformed WS that can help to navigate your personal odyssey.

I must raise you a red flag 🚩 in case you are not yet aware of it

At the moment I am in an observation phase. He has expressed guilt and wants to move forward

That’s not guilt, it’s shame, very different.

Shame is selfish and completely ignores your wounds and healing. It is saying " I feel uncomfortable to see how my behavior destroyed you in your most intimate self and identity. Please move on and let’s pretend this never happened because I don’t like to confront what I did. Suffer in silence and do not bother me or I will feel bad for myself"

There is nothing for you in this. Is still the full fledged cheater pattern. Don’t accept it at any point, this should be an iron boundary.

Guilt is empathy, shame is still cheating pattern. You will learn the difference, red flag raised to help you protecting your self.

Thank you Backfromthestorm, that really resonated… I am trying to stay grounded and observe behaviour over time...

How did you discover these infidelities?

If your H has been faithful for 24 years, what caused your H to change?

Does your H understand this may have been 24 years ago for him, but it's right now for you?

Have you checked out https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660527/for-those-who-found-out-years-later-part-2/ ?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Have faith in yourself to heal.

Thank you sisoon, I appreciate your response.

He disclosed this to me himself as he said he could no longer live with what he described as his past and the guilt around it.

There was also something more recent that triggered my instincts, as someone he interacted with gave me a very similar feeling to his previous work colleague, which brought everything to the surface.

I had no prior knowledge about the sex workers at all- that was the bigger shock

From what I can see, this behaviour was limited to a period early in our relationship before we had children. I am still processing whether that reflects a phase or something deeper, so I am observing behaviour now rather than drawing conclusions.

Yes, I have explained clearly to him that while this was years ago for him, it is very current for me. He does understand that in principle, although I think he is still struggling with the emotional weight of it.

Thank you for the link, I will take a look.

Personal view you may see if it resonates in your case or make any sense.

You mentioned the sex workers shocked you.

I am a guy in my teens I have been with sex workers, prostitutes or escorts, a few times. It was stressful and not as pleasant as you fantasize sex with a woman should be, you mostly cave to peer pressure and the idea this will give you confidence, almost every guy I know has been through this at some point, but I know exactly only one person who actually enjoys sex workers and he is a compartmentalizer.

After that initial immature experiences they lost any attraction to me, I even had a friend (not close but she told a bit about her side of the coin)in the business, stripper - sex worker and is one of the few women I have actually never wanted to get physical with.

From my experience the guys I know have been through similar phases, go to when young and stupidly insecure, find it disappointing and forget about it when they find out the real thing.

Not that I think what about sex workers, it’s a choice and likely even helpful for some people when they are lonely or have other problems.

It’s just fine, their choice.
If a man is in a relationship and sleeps with a sex workers, it’s fucked up in my judgement.
There are issues unaddressed and big ones in my opinion.

As I said the only guy I know who still does that today, so a man, no longer an insecure teenager, is a compartmentalizer. He has a woman even if is a situation ship for him (for her I doubt is still but don’t know her much) is going on for years. He’s not the kind of player who seduces girls, he is your average guy, but when he feels like he goes to sex workers without batting an eye. No guilt no shame, in a complete different life box than his woman. Ask him he will tell you exactly that.

Maybe your husband was having a similar character flaw or compartmentalization traits, and with time something changed within him and he couldn’t keep it separated and hence secret anymore ?

Just a thought.

No excuses for the choice in my eyes though, he was not single, he was with you. That’s fucked up

Thank you, I appreciate you sharing that perspective. The idea of compartmentalisation does resonate to an extent, and it is something I am reflecting on. I agree that regardless of context, the fact it happened within a relationship is the key issue for me. At the moment

I am focusing on observing behaviour now rather than trying to fully explain the past.

You give me the feeling of a strong woman, even if you are obviously experiencing relational shock that might impact and dissociate, which is natural by the way, do not worry, I get the feeling you have more clarity I had when in your shoes.

Yes you are absolutely right, behavior observation and iron boundaries are the most important thing for you right now.

WS will go through a process even when they are genuinely wanting to amend and reconcile the issues and old patterns don’t break like nothing.

Lies, trickle truths and minimization are just some of the coping mechanisms that can take hold. Especially if he is like you say, a compartmentalizer.

It needs work and commitment to heal unresolved issues of that magnitude. The WS heals the WS. You, the BS, heal yourself.

And you can only heal when you put yourself first and protect your peace from further destruction.

Time will tell you how you will feel and if there is a chance, and will from your side, to reconciliation.

That is the last step by the way, it can only begin when you are both healed enough. Anything before that will end in a false R.

Keep coming here and sharing whenever you need to let out your emotions out.

They will change and drive you crazy sometimes, never repress them in , here theirs is people who can understand what is like, it will help.

Not trying to understand the past is good right now, that need will show up later and demands satisfaction, worry about when it comes naturally, because we will never fully grasp the why of the past, the WS alone has usually difficulties into explaining themselves.

Above all it doesn’t matter, all that matters is just you, your feelings, right now.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:52 PM, Sunday, April 12th]

Thank you, I really appreciate this. The point about observation, boundaries and focusing on my own healing resonates a lot.

I agree that time and consistent behaviour will show what is real, so I am staying grounded in that.

I will wait when the gates of shock will open and allow for your emotions to flow more freely.

Things you can observe about yourself in the meantime

- general tension in his presence/ when you are alone. Muscular, jaw, chest, neck, etc. it’s unconscious but tells you if you are in constant fight or flight mode or it’s induced by his presence. Useful information to set boundaries allowing your nervous system space to relax, physically speaking.

- are you breathing correctly, as in deep diaphragmatic breathing or shallow upper breathing? This helps regulate stress hormones and brain chemistry

- sleeping patterns or disorders, yours only. When you’re not right after a direct confrontation with your husband of course, so when the emotions aren’t high but at their baseline , can you get sleep and is the sleep restoring? Relevant if is the moment of mind movies and thoughts chaos that are not present during the wake time, when you are distracted by your daily life.

- reaction to fuss, noise, chatter: do you feel irritable or are you able to self regulate?

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:40 AM, Monday, April 13th]

Thank you, I appreciate the advice. I will keep that in mind.

Butterfly,

Please may I ask how long ago your H confessed to all of this?.

My story is very similar to yours, 25yr M, My H confessed 16 months ago to having sex with sex workers earlier in our M and then an A with a coworker.

To answer your questions, trust is something I’m not looking to give to anyone but myself for the foreseeable future, one day I hope to offer trust but not yet.
Managing emotions is something else at 16 months out I still have not fully got ahold of, but there is a vast improvement which continues to improve as time passes.

I think that sometime soon the gravity of what you have just learned will hit, when it does please remember, no matter what, you are not alone.

Keep posting.

Bruce123 wrote:

I think that sometime soon the gravity of what you have just learned will hit, when it does please remember, no matter what, you are not alone.

This is something to be aware of. I was in a state of shock for weeks, maybe even months before the gravity of it all really hit me. I spent the first couple of months telling myself "I can't believe this even happened" and still sometimes do a year later.

Betrayal trauma is real trauma and most folks underestimate the damage and devastation it can cause. I know I did until it was thrust upon me. PTSD symptoms are common and you'll likely be hyper vigilant for a long time.

One "good" thing in your case is that he confessed on his own instead of you finding out about it some other way. You'll be riding an emotional roller coaster for a while, tho. Up one day, down the next, and stricken with grief the next. Sometimes all in the same day. Give yourself some grace, this is all normal.

Stick around and keep posting. Ask any questions or just vent if you need to. Posting here and getting it all out helped me a lot. Just talking about what happened and getting feedback was very helpful and cathartic for me.

There's a good group of folks here who really understand what you're going through. Welcome to the club that no one volunteers to join. Drinks in the cooler, and we have cookies in the back!

What is positive is that he came forward with this information.

I think a couple can’t really be totally happy if one keeps such an immense secret. I know it impacted your happiness, but I think that if he had stored this inside it would have gnawed at him and prevented him from being content.
It definitely is a selfish decision. He could have bitten the bullet and accepted his discontent and thereby protected your happiness. But personally I think it’s always better to work from a foundation of truth.

What I think might be important for both of you to understand is that through his actions he took away your agency in your own life.
He placed you at high risk for STD’s. He broke what is assumed to be a fundamental factor in a marriage. He lied about what you perceived as an inappropriate relationship.
Had you known this at the time it would have given you the option – the agency – to demand change. Be that with or without him.
I think that maybe this – the removal of your power – for all these years might have more impact than the actual affair(s).

What I think you both need to understand is that YOU have options.
He took a big risk in sharing with you, and maybe that risk shows that he believed enough in this relationship that it would survive his revelation. But that’s not a foregone conclusion.

I encourage you to have this in mind:
Whatever marriage you had previous to d-day was non-sustainable simply because it was built on a falsehood. Granted it’s been years so probably all over the last +15 years is "true". You have good grounds to build up from.
But if you don’t believe that you two can create a good marriage moving on… then don’t even try.

I get it that trust is gone. I don’t agree with those that say it can’t come back. However the blind trust we too often use is gone. If your husband can be reliable – as in if he says he’s going to the gym on a Saturday morning and you know for a fact via his exercise clothes, online check-in at the gym, friends that saw him there etc, then it’s OK to "trust" he is at the gym. Formulate a new type of trust, where you trust but verify, and with time the verify factor diminishes.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Bruce123, it really means a lot.

I am so sorry you have had to go through something so similar, it is incredibly hard.

It does help to hear from someone further along, and what you said about trusting yourself really stayed with me.

I am just taking things slowly at the moment and staying in observation mode.

Thank you again for your kindness, it really does help to not feel so alone.

Thank you for sharing this with me, Pogre, I really appreciate your honesty.

I am so sorry you have had to experience this, it sounds incredibly difficult.

I hear what you are saying about giving myself grace, that is something I am trying to hold onto at the moment.

I am taking things slowly and staying in observation mode for now.

Thank you again for the support, it really helps to know there are people who understand.

Thank you for taking the time to share this, Bigger, I really appreciate your perspective.

What you said about agency really resonated with me, that has given me something important to reflect on.

I am trying to take things slowly at the moment and stay in observation mode rather than getting too far ahead of myself.

Thank you again for your support, it does help to hear different perspectives.

PS: Brice123 It was around 8 months ago for me, so I am still taking things one step at a time.

I am another one that can relate to your trauma. I found out 40 years after it happened. A one night stand, and sex with my best friend, who continued to stay in our lives after the affair ended.

Under the forums on this site there is one called "I can relate" under it is a forum called "for those who found out years later".

It is a very different feeling to find out years later, what was real and what was not. The feeling of being "used" and made a "fool of". I found reading other posts in the years later forum, helped me see that all my emotions and feelings were very normal.

Thank you for sharing this with me, Lefty I really appreciate you taking the time.

I am so sorry you have had to go through something like that especially after so many years - that must have been incredibly difficult.

What you said about it being a different kind of feeling really resonated with me and will have a look at the forum you mentioned when I feel ready and thank you again it does help to know I am not alone in this.